The Yucky and the Ice Cream

I have given up most "extras" in my life right now for survival.

No TV. No internet surfing or facebook.  No volunteering in school. No lunch dates. Barely any phone calls or emails or texts.

I have not given up the weekly bible study that meets in my home on Friday mornings.

This Friday I had a bit of a meltdown.

As I shared my heart with these sweet friends and tried my best to explain the reasons for my tears I was given a gift. Not only did they not care that I hadn't done any of the homework or preparation for that week, but one of them started folding all my laundry and another started cleaning my microwave. Others offered words of encouragement and prayer. It was just what I needed. God was loving me through these ladies.

But, one of the ladies said something during my vent session and meltdown that struck me. She said, "Are you keeping a secret blog for this stuff because reading your blog seems like everything is going so well?"

I am trying to be very candid and open in this blog while maintaining a level of privacy and perspective. But a huge reason that I am keeping this blog is to offer an honest and real life picture of life for our family. I want God to use our story to encourage other families who adopt to know that they are not alone in some of their struggles. I also want our story to open people's eyes to some of the realities to this hard calling. It is hard. It is not rainbows and butterflies. I'm not going to post pictures of tantrums and yelling and crying and anger and fighting and sadness. Who takes pictures of those things and posts them? But they are just as much a part of our family photo album as bike rides and soccer games and big smiley faces and hugs. I want you to know about them. I want the other adoptive mom who is reading this to know she is not alone. I want those who are walking beside adoptive families to have a better understanding of their journey and struggles. I want all our children to read this some day and know that it has not been an easy journey but God has been so faithful.

Most importantly, I want this blog to bring honor and glory to God, and today He won't let me sleep without sharing some things.

Four weeks ago today I was stepping off an airplane with two new children into the arms of 2 other children and a husband who I love more then life.

Four weeks ago today we were all different people. We were at different levels of "yuck" in our lives but, the truth is, we were all yucky and still are. None of us are any better then the other and none of us deserves much. God made us all and loves us the same.

Two of us have started out with some very rough realities. We have not known security or known what it means to have plenty. We have not had a mother or a father or have any idea how a family might operate. We have taken care of ourselves and others. We have killed and cooked our own food or gone hungry sometimes. We have craved attention and love from anyone who would give it to us. We have fought for what we need.

A lot has changed. Now we have a bed and don't need a mosquito net. We are not too hot or too cold and, if we are, we can fix it. We have people who are making us food and there is plenty. We have clothes that look so nice and there are plenty. We have people who are there every morning when we wake up and every night when we go to bed. These people tell us about their love but, more importantly, they show us their love constantly. But this is so unfamiliar to us. This is so different from all we have ever known. We miss our old home. We crave the familiar. We are scared. confused. angry. sad. homesick.

The other four of us have started with such easy lives. We have always known what it means to have plenty. Our entire lives we have been full...physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Four weeks ago these six lives collided into one family. As with most collisions there are some injuries. People don't collide easily.

Our 5 year old (Debo) craves attention. If mom doesn't give it to her she will look for it elsewhere. This is not healthy attachment and doesn't help define family. She is hungry but it is not for food. We are constantly trying to balance defining the family/ healthy attachment and you-are-not-the-center-of-the-universe mentality. She looks to her Ghanaian brother for example and often he doesn't provide the best one. He offers her food one moment and then berates her and angrily yells at her the next. She mimics his words and gestures but really doesn't like sounding angry and bossy so she reverts to a baby-like dependence.

Our 8 year old (Gabriel) has a lot of anger. He wants to be in control of all things and he doesn't take instruction very well. In the neighborhood and on the soccer field you may see a huge smile and wonderful manners. At home we often see a scowl and a grumpy face and hear an angry voice arguing every.single.thing. We have to be so selective in the battles we choose to fight right now or we would only be fighting all the time. We are so glad he is polite and happy to you but please know that we don't often get that behavior at home. This is very good. He is learning that we are safe and he can be real with us. He is testing us. We are grateful but we are also tired and frustrated.

Our 10 year old (Cael) is sensitive and craves approval and love and attention. He is no longer the baby of the family and the attention is not even being shared equally right now. The standards for his behavior is the same as it has always been but it is not yet the same standard for his brother and sister. That is a hard reality. He can't get a story out without stuttering through most of it. We know that is stress-induced. We are loving him through it and not overly concerned. As hard as this change has been for him, we firmly believe that it is so good. He will be better for it.

Our 12 year old (Liz) is growing up so quickly. We want to enjoy every moment we have with her before it is gone. Time is precious. Some days I look at her and see a grown woman and other days she is a small child. I wish we could freeze time with her and yet I need the others to keep moving ahead right now. We can't stay at this stage forever. So...I will cherish her today and try to continue to train her while I can.

The other day Gabriel and Debo wanted to go with me to take Liz to tumbling class. We planned to watch her tumble and then go out for ice cream. Well, within minutes of the class both Gabriel and Debo began to melt down. I headed for the van as quickly as I could. Gabriel stood at the gym door, arms crossed, face scowled, refusing to move. "No! I will not go." Debo looked at him and crossed her arms, scowled her face and refused to move. Everyone was watching us. I picked up Debo and buckled her in her car seat. She kicked and screamed like I was kidnapping and hurting her. It was a sight. Then I started the car hoping and praying that Gabriel would get in. I would have sat there staring at him the whole night. Thankfully it was cold and his blood is thin. His thin blood won over his thick head and he finally got in the car. I was mad. I was embarrassed. I was frustrated. I was tired. I was emotional. I began telling them these things and trying to explain why their behavior was wrong. Following my rant it was quiet for a little bit and then Gabriel said, "Mom, I am so sorry. Will you forgive me? I beg you." Wow! Yes! "Of course I will forgive you."

I think they were slightly surprised when I drove to the ice cream place and bought them both an ice cream. As he was eating his ice cream Gabriel said to Debo, "Do you know why mom bought us ice cream?"

I held my breath for a second wondering what he might say...

He said, "Because she loves us so much. That's what she says all the time."

They hear me!!!!!

Lord, thank you so much for giving us glimpses of how great your love is for us. Thank you for your faithfulness in our lives. Thank you for sending sweet friends to do laundry and clean microwaves and for providing all the love and provision we need for today. Thank you for your example of grace and patience. Please come into our home and be our foundation. We welcome you here. We ask for wisdom and patience and healing and protection. We love you so much.

Our house is LOUD!

A loud house means....

• We have 4 healthy kids in our home. Adam and I were telling Gabriel the other night how strange it is to see him sitting at the kitchen island doing his homework when just 2 months ago we were praying and hoping and wishing he were here. 
• We have a daughter who loves to jump, flip, sing, dance and rough house with her younger siblings. She is also a night owl who stays up late with daddy every night until at least 10:30pm and usually later. (Liz)
• We have 2 sons (and a dad) who play Super Mario Bros. on the Wii in the Family Room often. (Gabriel, Cael and Adam)
• We have some proud Ghanaian children who like to blast and dance Azonto often. (Gabriel and Debo Grace)
• We rarely have any quiet time to make or return phone calls and emails...sorry to those who are waiting. 
• We have a boy who sings all the time from wake-up until sleep-time, including while doing homework. (Cael)
• We have a dinner table with 6 people and the begging dog underfoot is not the only one trying and enjoying all kinds of new foods. Our taste pallets are expanding...yay!
• We have a new preschooler who is mostly excited to participate in a local preschool. A sweet friend who teaches at a preschool offered for Debo Grace to come for recess and lunch time on Monday and Wednesday each week so that she can interact with some children for brief time each week...hopefully mom will also get an hour of free time!
• We have turned the former living room/music room into a full scale play room/music room. 
• We have much to be thankful for!!!

Psalm 98:4 

Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise.

Helpful, energetic, very strong, night owl

The girls hanging out and playing on their "phones".

She went and got the wrapping clothe and immediately put the baby high on her back and began wrapping. Love!!

First day of "school"....Mommy stayed with her. 

Second day of "school"...Mommy left and she stayed for 1.5 hours.

Gabriel LOVES his big sis so much!

Learning to hop scotch

Cael loves being a big brother to this cutie pie!

Lunch with our great friends, the Kollers. Gabriel and Debo Grace lived at the same orphanage/children's home with Robert for the past year in Ghana now they live in the same town in the U.S. We look forward to many gatherings with this sweet family!

Ragu....Who knew!?!?!?

We have been home from Ghana with two new children for 3 weeks tomorrow.

When I think about how I felt 4 weeks ago it almost makes me physically sick. Don't get me wrong, I felt a huge amount of peace and I felt divine protection and provision during that time but I also felt so overwhelmed. 4 weeks ago I was alone in Ghana with 2 new children, only one of which had a visa to come home with me. I was fighting a stomach bug. I was learning how to manage the physical and emotional needs of two sweet little people who really didn't even know what their needs were. We were rolling with the punches and there were many punches. 

Then 3 weeks ago at this time we were boarding a plane for a 12 hour flight to NY to come home!!!

I now sit in my comfortable home surrounded by the 5 people I love most and I feel so, so, so blessed. 

Our struggles have been plenty but so have our laughs, our successes, and our hugs. All of them are blessings. You see, I have learned through this season that the struggles are sometimes the greatest blessings. I have found that God has been using some of the hardest times in this adoption journey to mold me and teach me and also to encourage others and make His name known.

Many of you who are reading this blog have never met me or my family. When I get emails from you telling me how God has used parts of our story to help you, it is humbling to me. I am so thankful.

So...I guess for now I will keep blogging. 

Here are a few tidbits from this past week:

Meals have still been a bit of a challenge in our home as both new children learn what they like, and don't like, to eat in America. We still fall back on a few staple items that they love from their past. One of those foods in banku. It is a dough-like ball of starch made from cassava and maize. Imagine grits that are firm enough to form into a ball. Our children like to dip it in pepe' which is essentially salsa. I have made a ton of banku in the past 3 weeks and we have tried all different sorts of pepe'. We tried made-from-scratch pepe' with tomatoes, peppers, onions mixed...cut with a knife, a food processor, cut small, cut chunky. No luck. We tried garden fresh salsa from the vegetable section of the grocery store. No luck. We have tried rotel tomatoes with green chillies. No luck. Then we tried Tostito medium chunky salsa and WE HAD A WINNER!!!!! Our home-grown son also loves banku and this salsa. Needless to say with two growing boys we are going through that stuff so quickly!!!!  After school, Gabriel goes straight to the fridge for some banku and salsa. The other day he accidentally grabbed a jar of Ragu spaghetti sauce. I watched as he dipped his banku in it and I waited for a familiar scowl and grouchy face and instead I got a smile and a "yummmm". Ragu!?!?!?!  Who knew!?!? We are learning.

Speaking of learning....Gabriel went to school all week and did great. We are so thankful for his amazing teachers and classmates who are making him feel so welcome. 

Did you know that "cackras" means "crackers" to our Debo Grace? and "Pufftom" means "popcorn"? She is doing SO WELL with English but every once in awhile we get a kick out of the words she comes up with to express herself. 

Gabriel had his well-child check-up and besides the osteochondromas that are affecting the growth of his wrists as well as other parts of his body, he is very healthy. He kicked and screamed through the two shots that we chose to get that day. We are dreading the several other shots he will be getting at the next appointment in 3 weeks. (I wonder if they can just save them and give them all to him when he is under anesthesia for the surgery on his wrists?!?!?) We don't know when the wrist surgery will happen but it is not urgent so we will wait a little bit. 

Debo Grace will have her well-child check-up on Tuesday. Her leg has healed up very nicely from her massive cut in Ghana but there are still a couple lingering sutures that haven't dissolved. Other then that I anticipate her check-up going really well and she will be much easier for me to hold down for the shots. ;-)

Gabriel is all smiles and waves on the soccer field, in the neighborhood and in school. At home, it is not quite so rosy but it is getting better everyday. He is VERY argumentative about EVERYTHING. We choose are battles as wisely as we possibly can and we let a lot go for now. It is so hard some days every day but we are all learning. 

While they were in Ghana, we sent the kids a video of us reading them a book and they watched it quite a bit. Even since they have been home they often watch that video. At the end of it I say, "We can't wait to bring you home." The other night at bedtime Debo Grace and I were reading that book and at the end she said, "We can't wait to bring you home!" It was so funny!  She wanted to read it again so I taped it the second time through and her ending wasn't nearly as spontaneous and cute, but I thought some of you might enjoy listening to her little voice as she "reads".

Her new self-proclaimed best friend is a sweet little girl named Claire. Claire was adopted from China several years ago and her family just recently brought home 2 new sweeties from China. Debo Grace and Claire are a very cute pair. Last week they enjoyed Chick-fil-a together and this week Claire came over for a playdate/lunch and then accompanied Debo Grace to her first gymnastics class. I wish I would have taken more photos of these sweet girls in gymnastics. It was super cute and a great hit! (Don't miss the link above of them playing CandyLand together.)

Cael is out tonight with Adam and his best friend, Will enjoying the Harlem Globetrotters.  He received tickets for his birthday in January and has been looking forward to it. When we purchased the tickets we didn't know if we would be in Ghana or if we would be home with the kids so we bought 3 tickets. We didn't know if Cael would want to take Gabriel and dad, or mom and dad, or dad and granny. In the end we really felt like he would have the most fun with dad and Will. They are sitting on the first row enjoying the game as I type. I am so happy for him. He needed this extra love tonight and that makes this mama's heart very happy. He also had a great baseball game today and hit a triple while switch-hitting lefty. I didn't see it since Gabriel's soccer game was at the exact same time but was happy to hear about it after the fact. 

Gabriel had another spectacular soccer game. He had a super awesome header, several goals and an entire game of great passes. He told me while he was bathing tonight that he really doesn't want to score at all he just wants to make a bunch of good passes but "sometimes no one is open so I just have to shoot and score."

An Infant and a Toddler

I remember when my son Cael was born...the midwife said, "Wow! This is a big boy!" He was one ounce shy of 10 pounds and he had a huge amount of dark hair covering his head.

Cael, 2 months old, Liz 2 years old

I honestly thought..."I just gave birth to a toddler!"

The reality was that he was coming home to a "big" sister  who was the actual toddler and they were about the same size. (slight over exaggeration....slight)

Those days, weeks, months after Cael came home are a bit of a blur. One thing I do remember...they were hard! I was so thankful for our family who came and helped out. I was thankful for my friends who brought us meals and prayed for us. I was thankful for it to be over.

Of course, there were many wonderful moments as a mother to an infant and toddler. There were times when I felt perfectly content snuggling one or both of my kids reading them a book, singing them a song, or taking a nap. Times when they would play together and make each other laugh. Times when I had one in the baby carrier and one in the stroller and we could enjoy a walk outside on a nice day. I love all those memories.

Now that infant is 10 years old and that toddler is 12. They are awesome kids!

I have a new infant and toddler. They are much bigger than the average infant and toddler but my feelings and actions are almost identical. I have a feeling they are going to "grow up" much quicker then the first two did...granted they already know how to walk and feed themselves.

But when people ask how things are going, I think describing our new life with Gabriel and Debo as a new infant and toddler paints a pretty good picture. The infant likes to be held all the time, wants to be snuggled and rocked and babied. She thinks the world revolves around her and is learning that is actually doesn't. The toddler wants to do everything by himself and yet doesn't have a great grasp on obedience and consequences. The toddler thinks he knows everything but still has so much to learn.

It is exhausting and challenging to parent a newborn and toddler but it is very rewarding. Our first two continually amaze us and these second two are already making great strides.

We are so blessed to have this time to nurture and pour love into these four little lives. They are each such a great blessing!

A few updates:

Coming off the bus his first day of school.
He wanted his bike to be waiting for him. 

• After a very unsuccessful attempt to introduce Gabriel to school last week, he announced this weekend that he wanted to start on Monday. We were shocked based on his comments from last week. We made sure he understood what "starting school" would mean and he did. So today Gabriel went to school. all day. rode the bus home. did his homework. He did great! We are so proud of him and thankful for our amazing elementary school and his amazing teachers!!!
• Cael did a great job playing catcher and pitcher for his baseball team on Saturday and again tonight. We were all there to cheer him on for Saturday's opening game. He is trying to be a good big brother but it is certainly not an easy role for him right now. Prayers appreciated.
• Gabriel had another great soccer game on Saturday and told Adam before the game that he wasn't going to score any goals in the first half and then he would only score two in the second and that is exactly what he did. He had a lot of fun and was all smiles. He could have scored a few more goals if he wanted to and the coach let him, but we are just so happy to see his enthusiasm for the game and his restraint in his position. 
• Debo is starting a gymnastics class on Thursday and is very excited to follow in big sister's footsteps. 
• Liz got her roundoff, back handspring,  back tuck this week and is very close to having her standing back tuck. Big news for our cheerleading girl!

Silly sisters having fun!

Neighborhood kickball game

Debo Grace and one of her sweet new friends/neighbors

Some of the gang from the hood

Our sweet friend showed Debo Grace how to enjoy Chick-fil-a!
Playzone, nuggets and fries, lots of fun!
A friendship for life!!!

What is grace?

A timeout for an exhausted mom.

A 12 year old girl who steps up in every way.

A boy who cries because he misses his first family and wants so much to enjoy his second family but doesn't quite know how...yet.

A girl who clings, demands, begs for 100% attention.

A hug when a consequence is deserved.

A brother and sister that share everything from a bed to a mom to a video game to a scooter to a lap. 

A husband who gives up his spot in a bed next to a wife who is busy nurturing 4 little souls as they head to sleep.

A mum (mother-in-law) who picks up falling pieces everywhere (laundry, dishes, toys, kids, mom, dad...)

A boy who hates not being in control but loves knowing he no longer has to be.

Another boy who is no longer the baby of the family and who doesn't have the fun-loving, playful brother he dreamed of...yet. 

A dad who has wisdom beyond his years and knows how to discipline, correct and love his children well.

Friends who text, email, call, bring meals, hug, check in, and understand that little can be reciprocated...yet.

A husband who sends his wife to get a pedicure when she is overwhelmed and in desperate need of a moment alone. 

A perfect God who provides...

enough strength for today

enough joy for the sorrow

enough peace in the chaos

enough hope for the future

enough.

That is a snapshot of life in our house right now. Life is hard but very good. We play hard, cry hard, laugh hard, sleep hard, and love hard. 

I don't wonder what my purpose is in this life. Right now my purpose is so clear. 

God has shown me what grace looks like. He has given me an eternal perspective for a life that is to come. I know my boy will see his maternal grandmother and his first mom again if only in heaven. I know we will have no more tears or struggles or pain or disappointment. For today we have enough because of God's grace to us. We will continue to love each other and those around us (that's you!) as best as we can.

A few extra snippets...

-Debo loves the movie, Frozen and we have watched it at least 5 times in the last few days. (Click the link for a theatrical performance of some of her favorite Frozen songs.)

-Debo also loves our neighborhood baby, Noah. She has the nurturing instincts of her mama and big sis. (see pic below)

-Gabriel visited his second grade class twice this week. He is not too excited about it, but is warming up to the idea.

-Cael's baseball game was rained out on Monday. Hopefully he will be playing on Saturday.

-Gabriel will remain on the U8 soccer team. Good for his confidence, bad for our opponents. 

-Mom has pretty toes thanks to an emergency pedicure/emotional intervention.

-We are all gaining/returning weight due to some AMAZING meals delivered each night...huge blessing!

-We like to dance and sing and dance. (Click these two links for some laughs. Gabriel sings at the very end of the second one.)

-Liz will be the best mom in the world someday! Besides the fact, that she is constantly flipping, jumping, throwing and stunting people, she is a responsible, reliable, mature, constant in our home. 

-We are making big plans for our future around the dinner table.  (Another funny link)

Gabriel's classmates making him feel welcome at recess. 

Debo enjoying the school playground.

Debo and Mommy loving on our neighbor, Noah 

Sunshine on Sunday

The sun is shining in Georgia and it feels great!!!

We went to church today as a family of 6. Feeling so thankful and blessed!!!!

A Great Saturday

The day started off well when I woke up and looked at the clock to see 6:20am. This is the first day that I have slept for a normal night's sleep and it felt great!

Next I left the house with no children to hit Walmart for some groceries. I needed two carts and I'm not even cooking dinner yet thanks to so many sweet angels/friends. ;-)

Then we all headed to the soccer fields for Gabriel's first soccer game. He was so excited and his smile was bright and wide with his beautiful white teeth. He ended up being an AMAZING soccer player!!! After scoring 5 goals in his first 12 minutes the coach told him to stop scoring and just pass. Eventually he was put in as goalie to finish the hour. I think he ended up with 7 goals total. It was a joy to see him smile so much and have so much fun.

Needless to say, I think the YMCA will be moving him up a level for the rest of the season. :-)

The rest of the family enjoyed cheering him on. Dad and Cael left a little early to go to baseball practice. We will all look forward to cheering Cael on in his first baseball game on Monday night.

I think these two boys are blessed to have the two cutest cheerleaders on their sidelines forever.

Feeling so thankful and blessed (and rested!) today....

Thank you so much for your prayers!!