The Yucky and the Ice Cream

I have given up most "extras" in my life right now for survival.

No TV. No internet surfing or facebook.  No volunteering in school. No lunch dates. Barely any phone calls or emails or texts.

I have not given up the weekly bible study that meets in my home on Friday mornings.

This Friday I had a bit of a meltdown.

As I shared my heart with these sweet friends and tried my best to explain the reasons for my tears I was given a gift. Not only did they not care that I hadn't done any of the homework or preparation for that week, but one of them started folding all my laundry and another started cleaning my microwave. Others offered words of encouragement and prayer. It was just what I needed. God was loving me through these ladies.

But, one of the ladies said something during my vent session and meltdown that struck me. She said, "Are you keeping a secret blog for this stuff because reading your blog seems like everything is going so well?"

I am trying to be very candid and open in this blog while maintaining a level of privacy and perspective. But a huge reason that I am keeping this blog is to offer an honest and real life picture of life for our family. I want God to use our story to encourage other families who adopt to know that they are not alone in some of their struggles. I also want our story to open people's eyes to some of the realities to this hard calling. It is hard. It is not rainbows and butterflies. I'm not going to post pictures of tantrums and yelling and crying and anger and fighting and sadness. Who takes pictures of those things and posts them? But they are just as much a part of our family photo album as bike rides and soccer games and big smiley faces and hugs. I want you to know about them. I want the other adoptive mom who is reading this to know she is not alone. I want those who are walking beside adoptive families to have a better understanding of their journey and struggles. I want all our children to read this some day and know that it has not been an easy journey but God has been so faithful.

Most importantly, I want this blog to bring honor and glory to God, and today He won't let me sleep without sharing some things.

Four weeks ago today I was stepping off an airplane with two new children into the arms of 2 other children and a husband who I love more then life.

Four weeks ago today we were all different people. We were at different levels of "yuck" in our lives but, the truth is, we were all yucky and still are. None of us are any better then the other and none of us deserves much. God made us all and loves us the same.

Two of us have started out with some very rough realities. We have not known security or known what it means to have plenty. We have not had a mother or a father or have any idea how a family might operate. We have taken care of ourselves and others. We have killed and cooked our own food or gone hungry sometimes. We have craved attention and love from anyone who would give it to us. We have fought for what we need.

A lot has changed. Now we have a bed and don't need a mosquito net. We are not too hot or too cold and, if we are, we can fix it. We have people who are making us food and there is plenty. We have clothes that look so nice and there are plenty. We have people who are there every morning when we wake up and every night when we go to bed. These people tell us about their love but, more importantly, they show us their love constantly. But this is so unfamiliar to us. This is so different from all we have ever known. We miss our old home. We crave the familiar. We are scared. confused. angry. sad. homesick.

The other four of us have started with such easy lives. We have always known what it means to have plenty. Our entire lives we have been full...physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Four weeks ago these six lives collided into one family. As with most collisions there are some injuries. People don't collide easily.

Our 5 year old (Debo) craves attention. If mom doesn't give it to her she will look for it elsewhere. This is not healthy attachment and doesn't help define family. She is hungry but it is not for food. We are constantly trying to balance defining the family/ healthy attachment and you-are-not-the-center-of-the-universe mentality. She looks to her Ghanaian brother for example and often he doesn't provide the best one. He offers her food one moment and then berates her and angrily yells at her the next. She mimics his words and gestures but really doesn't like sounding angry and bossy so she reverts to a baby-like dependence.

Our 8 year old (Gabriel) has a lot of anger. He wants to be in control of all things and he doesn't take instruction very well. In the neighborhood and on the soccer field you may see a huge smile and wonderful manners. At home we often see a scowl and a grumpy face and hear an angry voice arguing every.single.thing. We have to be so selective in the battles we choose to fight right now or we would only be fighting all the time. We are so glad he is polite and happy to you but please know that we don't often get that behavior at home. This is very good. He is learning that we are safe and he can be real with us. He is testing us. We are grateful but we are also tired and frustrated.

Our 10 year old (Cael) is sensitive and craves approval and love and attention. He is no longer the baby of the family and the attention is not even being shared equally right now. The standards for his behavior is the same as it has always been but it is not yet the same standard for his brother and sister. That is a hard reality. He can't get a story out without stuttering through most of it. We know that is stress-induced. We are loving him through it and not overly concerned. As hard as this change has been for him, we firmly believe that it is so good. He will be better for it.

Our 12 year old (Liz) is growing up so quickly. We want to enjoy every moment we have with her before it is gone. Time is precious. Some days I look at her and see a grown woman and other days she is a small child. I wish we could freeze time with her and yet I need the others to keep moving ahead right now. We can't stay at this stage forever. So...I will cherish her today and try to continue to train her while I can.

The other day Gabriel and Debo wanted to go with me to take Liz to tumbling class. We planned to watch her tumble and then go out for ice cream. Well, within minutes of the class both Gabriel and Debo began to melt down. I headed for the van as quickly as I could. Gabriel stood at the gym door, arms crossed, face scowled, refusing to move. "No! I will not go." Debo looked at him and crossed her arms, scowled her face and refused to move. Everyone was watching us. I picked up Debo and buckled her in her car seat. She kicked and screamed like I was kidnapping and hurting her. It was a sight. Then I started the car hoping and praying that Gabriel would get in. I would have sat there staring at him the whole night. Thankfully it was cold and his blood is thin. His thin blood won over his thick head and he finally got in the car. I was mad. I was embarrassed. I was frustrated. I was tired. I was emotional. I began telling them these things and trying to explain why their behavior was wrong. Following my rant it was quiet for a little bit and then Gabriel said, "Mom, I am so sorry. Will you forgive me? I beg you." Wow! Yes! "Of course I will forgive you."

I think they were slightly surprised when I drove to the ice cream place and bought them both an ice cream. As he was eating his ice cream Gabriel said to Debo, "Do you know why mom bought us ice cream?"

I held my breath for a second wondering what he might say...

He said, "Because she loves us so much. That's what she says all the time."

They hear me!!!!!

Lord, thank you so much for giving us glimpses of how great your love is for us. Thank you for your faithfulness in our lives. Thank you for sending sweet friends to do laundry and clean microwaves and for providing all the love and provision we need for today. Thank you for your example of grace and patience. Please come into our home and be our foundation. We welcome you here. We ask for wisdom and patience and healing and protection. We love you so much.